I hope they serve weed in Hell
by QueenOfBlackRock
Summary: Oh no! Palutena is sick! Pit tries his best to care for her, but he just makes everything worse. Ted Mosby shows up and tries to murder Pit, and Viridi and Phosphora keep flirting with each other. Does anything get done around here? By Gods not...


Writing this for literally no apparent reason. It's probably going to be really fucked up, but whatever. Enjoy my padawans. It's extremely memey oops.

Oh also, I've been working on this shit since freshman/sophomore year and I'm a senior now. So BIG ASS WASTE.

Working on some better things, I'm not exactly proud of this... As it's something I wrote the majority of at 14

I'm planning on putting a sexy Phosphora/Viridi fanfic after this. Follow for lesbian content.

Also I don't own shit

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It had been a long night. A long fucking party, there were beer bottles all over the floor. Palutena's cooking had really done the job this time. Dark Pit had a mad case of diarrhea after eating one of Palutena's "pot" brownies. While he thought they were cannabis, and his emo self could not resist the prospect of free weed. Little did he know, literal pots and pans were added for flavor, which meant metal shits for our dearest, Dark Pit. In addition, there was also a lot of stripper pole dancing, and a lot of sex from Viridi and Phosphoras's end. To put it shortly, the Gods had too much fun last night- however one Goddess partied too hard, while Pit tried to usher her away- she forgot how prone to illness she was and had come down with flu.

"FUCKING BLOODY HELL!" Palutena rasped, her normally dangerously white skin, translucent. And bags clouded under her eyes, a deep red flush was bearing on her cheeks.

"Lady Palutena! Are you alright?!" Her saucy loving weirdass slave Angel yelled, he came into Palutena's corridor. "Gee, Lady Palutena, you look awful!" He said with worry shaking in his voice.

"I fucking know that Pit, shut the hell up before I kick you out of this damn room." she rasped, congestion was evident. Yes, it was even more evident, that the "lovely" goddess of light- Lady Palutena, was stricken by an illness.

"Grouchy today?" Pit asked. He touched Palutena's forehead that was stricken with a high fever, this caused Pit to wince and be weakly (well, weak for a sick goddess- so pretty hard in Pit's case) slapped against the wall. "Ouch" Pit said before standing up again.

"Are you a fucking board?" Palutena asked, her nose dripping and her body sniffing, she muffled a thick cough that made Pit cringe it sounded so painful.

"Im fucking sick you shite bag, get me some tea or fucking call Viridi, she's awfully religious- ain't she?" Palutena droned on and on.

"Well... yea but she's a *ahem* God?" Pit reminded Palutena of Viridi's godliness.

"Fuck, I forgot about that... She's just such a bitch, you know? Things like that don't deserve to be Gods, they deserve maggots infesting their goddamn vagina." Palutena said coldly to her servant. Pit and his innocent self, looked at his sick Goddess, he was going to need to find a new employer if he wanted to keep his innocence. But Palutena was pretty fucking sexy, he could get off to that!

"Umm.. lady Palutena, I'm pretty sure Viridi IS the blowfly girl." Pit said, yet again reminding the goddess.

"Fucking hell, Pit. Either help me and take care of me, or go get Viridi!" Palutena said hoarsely. She remained laying down, sweat forming across her brow.

"Lady Palutena..." Pit mumbled softly, he didn't mean to make his goddess angry.

"PIT GO GET THE FUCKING BLOWFLY GIRL BEFORE I MAKE YOU THE BLOWFLY BOY!" pit covered his area after that- "no- t-that's not necessary!" Pit said as he ran to go find Viridi. While pits stupid self wouldn't know his asshole from his dick, he normally was good about finding goddesses. Pit ran around the outside of Palutena's LOVELY (fucking hellish and ugly) temple, hoping Viridi would hear him- and if not viridi- perhaps her sexy girlfriend, Phosphora (oh yes you fucking hoes, I just said it).

"Viridi! Viridi! Can you hear me!" Pit yelled into the sky, but his attempts were futile. It was a bit too early in the morning for the lovely goddess of sunshine, rainbows and animals having sex goddess to be up.

"Phosphora!" Yelled pit, hoping Viridi's sexy New Yorker Girlfriend Goddess of bright beams would respond. But of course, as it is known in almost all Nintendo stories or any stories- the characters never actually get what they need. That being said, Pit knew waking up and asking the Goddess for help of finding help would cause him to have a foot up his tight-asshole.

"Phosphoraaaaaaaaa!" Pit yelled out, clearly feeling rejected by the fellow Gods. "Viridi!" He tried once more. "PHOSPHORA" he tried again, trying to reach the God's was easier said than done. He took a deep breath before starting again, heaving it into his angel lungs "VVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIII!"

"PIT SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I SMACK YOU THE FUCK UP, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR DAMN PROBLEM. ARE YOU FUCKING DISABLED?" Pit could hear a goddess- it was Viridi.

"Viridi! Palutena needs your help!" Cried Pit. "Not that fucking badly Pit, you woke me from my goddess slumber. You're lucky I'm too weak to pound your ass to Arlon's moon fortress with all that fucking noise!" Palutena's raspy voice echoed through the angel's hollow head. One way or another- whether it was Palutena or Viridi- someone's foot would be up his ass real quick.

"YOU REALLY FUCKING THINK SCREAMING IS GONNA HELP HER CONDITION?" Viridi bellowed across the sky.

"Well I don't know, but you're the on screaming." Phosophora's voice appeared through the clouds-

"Phosphora!" Pit yelled in glee

"oh shut it you flightless angel- no one gives a damn about you." Phosphora said coldly. Viridi's vicious laughter that followed seemed menacing- but Pit knew Palutena being sick was a bad thing, and since he knew nothing about taking care of sick God he needed their help.

"Please... I need your help." he muttered sadly, his voice dropping.

As soon as he said that it was if his prayers were answered, someone came out of no where- a man standing with a baseball bat in the gate entrance of Palutena's Temple. All these years Pit thought this man was just a myth from the surface- but he was very much real, it was Ted Mosby- "I'm about to fuck you up" he said as he pulled down his pants- Pit quickly became flustered and attempted to shoot him- however Ted Mosby got stronger with each attack.

"I will FUCK YOU" Ted Mosby yelled holding his baseball bat menacingly. Pit didn't know what to do. "Lady.. Lady Palutena! Help me!'" He cried, no response. "VIRIDI, PHOSOPHORA, SOMEONE ANYONE PLEASE HELP ME!" Pit cried, Ted Mosby was chasing him- and his foot steps seemed to be getting greater and greater, he ran to the edge- Pit jumped off the side of the temple, he forgot he couldn't fly- so when he tried to he just flailed uncontrollably. However he was slightly relieved to know Ted Mosby wasn't behind him. But wrong and wrong again- Ted Mosby came racing down on his JD razor. He's flying, angry and invincible.

"SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!" Pit begged, then, by chance, oh what an unfortunate chance... His body launched upwards to the sky- by help of his Goddess.

"Pit you had one fucking job, are you that weak? You can't do shit without me." Said Palutena- her voice sounding rather weak itself.

"I'm sorry! Viridi and Phosphora wouldn't help me and then Ted Mosby came out of no where and tried to kill me!" Pit was clearly upset and panicking.

"This is why we can't have nice things" growled Palutena. It had seemed they had both forgotten the threats of Ted Mosby and his uncontrollable rage.

"I WILL FUCK YOU!" he yelled, screeching at the top of his lungs, his JD razor defying gravity.

"Holy shit Pit, what the fuck is that?" Lady Palutena remained in shock. "I tried to warn you..." Pit mumbled- but now they had bigger problems.

"I AM TED MOSBY AND I WILL FUCK YOU" he yelled once more. "Who let him out?" Asked a familiar voice.

"Who is that?" Pit asked.

"Have you already forgotten?"

"I guess."

"Well you're a fucking douche canoe, how do you not know me? Pit we were mad close."

"Hm... nope no idea." Pit said. The mysterious man sighs, after all these years and the only worthy member of Palutena's army was a bust.

"Pit, 3 years? The chaos kin? The lunar sanctum?" Palutena said, suggesting it as a clue to who was talking.

"Um... is it... Shrek?" Pit asked childishly.

"NO YOU STUPID UNINTELLIGIBLE ANGEL FUCK, ITS NOT SHREK, ITS FUCKING ARLON FROM THE LUNAR SANCTUM."

Palutena was not easy to work with when she was sick, or angry. So it's a mystery how Pit survived both. But the real mystery is how the fuck none of them noticed Ted Mosby plummeting from the sky on his JD razor, like a boss.

"I KNOW YOUR MOTHER!" he yelled menacingly, Ted Mosby, the most powerful man on the planet, who could defy gravity was currently drinking one beer after another and chucking the empty bottles to the surface.

"STOP RIGHT THERE MISTER TED MOSBY!" yelled a familiar voice- the goddess of nature had arrived, finally.

"Viridi!" Pit exclaimed.

"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU FUCKING ARE MR. HUMAN FROM THE SURFACE? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'LL SEND THE ENTIRE ARMY OF NATURE AFTER YOU!" Viridi screamed, however Ted Mosby was clearly uncaring of the events taking place around him.

"I WILL FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOTHER WHO I MET!" he yelled as he continued to chug another beer, throwing the empty bottles on to the earth. Viridi began to growl, out of anger.

"Ted Mosby, its people like you that are why we will lose the planet and the humans will die!" Phosphora said, defending her girlfriend. However Ted Mosby still did not care. He didn't even care when the lightning chariot hit him in the balls and Arlon took him back to the lunar sanctum where he fucking belonged. Ted Mosby was now in jail. Never heard from again.

"Phosphora! Viridi! Can one of you please help me?" Pit begged, the pathetic angel pleaded to the gods.

"Holy shit Pit you're so annoying, can't you do anything yourself?" Viridi said angrily, Lady Palutena began to make Pit head back to the temple. Though he could still hear the God's chatting.

"Lady Palutena has the flu, and I don't know how to heal her..." Pit moped.

"Awww, that's so cute!" Giggled Phosphora, in response to Phosphora's amusement Pit turned into a human tomato- well more of an angel tomato.

"C-cut it out, Phosphora." the angel became upset.

"That's not the way to talk to a God, especially when you want the help of one, you should know that Pit." Explained Viridi.

"I suppose it couldn't be too detrimental to our schedule to go help out green hair." Phosphora clearly smirked after saying that since there was a lot of giggling from Phosphora and Viridi's end.

"BUT WE WERE GONNA HAVE SEX!" Viridi whined, however with much convincing the crew decided to go help Lady Palutena. When Pit finally landed, he waited for Viridi and Phosphora to come over. Patiently. Perhaps they were running late? It's been an hour... now two... now three... heading to four, until they both finally arrived.

"Where in hell did you both go?!" Exclaimed Pit.

"Sorry! We were... you know..." Phosphora was bright red from her futile attempts at both explaining and hiding.

"None of your business! Where's PALUTENA?" Yelled Viridi. Pit ushered the two lesbians along to Palutena's corridor. The goddess was sleeping, she was sweating but she wasn't screaming at the least.

"awww she's so peaceful when she's sleeping." Phosphora giggled. "Viridi, do you think Palutena would be opposed to having a threesome?" She asked incredibly formally.

"Do you mind? I'm still here you know!" Pit was mentally raging.

"Sorry, I didn't know Palutena made you gay, Pit." Viridi huffed.

"I am NOT gay!" Pit said in a high voice.

"Pit I'm trying to sleep... Please keep it down..." grumbled Palutena, her voice tired. "No one gives a shit if you're gay or not." she whispered.

"Hmm. She sounds like shit, maybe we should make her some broth to clear her up." Viridi said, concern in her voice.

"Who's cooking?" Pit asked, Phosphora smirked.

"well lesbians don't cook, Pit." Phosphora's expression growing with malice.

"Then how do you eat?" Pit asked.

"Out" giggled Phosphora. Pit didn't get it, a he shouldn't- a virgin Angel such as himself would never understand talk of the Gods, sex and especially not both together.

"Well. I can't cook. So I guess we could order food?" Pit asked nervously, but the giggling among the goddesses became more evident.

"Pit! They were making a sex joke, now please, shut the fuck up, I'm trying to rest." Palutena yelled.

"Maybe some medicine?" Phosphora said to herself.

"I believe in ho- homo- holocau- omelettes- NATURAL MEDICINES!" Viridi said.

"You clearly know what you're talking about." said the sarcastic Angel, that's when they all got fed up with him- everyone, including Palutena smashed Pit into the wall. "Ouch."

"Better fucking be an ouch, now make me that fucking soup you promised, leave my sight." Palutena said angrily. The three stooges TM decided to leave the room since Palutena could easily turn them into ingredients for her vegetable surprise with a side of skyworld soup TM.

"Now.. for real- does anyone know how to cook?" Pit asked, hoping the two lesbians wouldn't make another sex joke only to make fun of him for his lack of intelligence and plethora of innocence.

"You know Pit, just because we're women doesn't mean we have any fucking clue how to cook. You shouldn't assume shit like that." Viridi said snarkily.

"Yeah Pit, the misogyny coming out of your mouth never ceases to astound me. Does Palutena know you talk like this?" Phosphora giggled a bit at the flustered angel's expression.

"I was only asking because I don't know how to either... I guess we should call Pitoo or something..." Pit sighed, that's when he received another smack in the face.

"WHAT THE FUCK PIT, WE CANT JUST START INVITING PEOPLE OVER THATS RUDE!" Phosphora yelled, while Viridi continued to hit Pit square in the face. At this point Pit was stuck between Scylla and Charabdis, an Oedipus complex would be more appealing that facing any more wrath from Phosphora and Viridi, or facing sick Palutena with no soup. There was no winning!

"Okay that's it, I'm calling Gordon Ramsay." Pit said, he walked out of the kitchen and looked for some sort of calling device. "Pit! Enough inviting people, this ain't a party!" Phosphora said before smacking him in the face.

"Well... Then I guess we're going to have to settle on Maruchan instant ramen TM." Pit said.

"Pit, you said TM out loud." Viridi mused.

"No I didn't, raise middle finger." Pit said to the unamused goddess of Nature.

"PIT! Is that an innuendo I smell coming from your little mouth?" Yelled Viridi, Pit didn't know how much more of this he could take. The astrological lesbians took over his kitchen, dominating it with their sexual nuances, bad cooking skills and domestic abuse towards the lovable angel.

"Well, guess I'll cook then." Pit shrugged, he knew his cooking skills were far and few- but I'm sure it's the effort that truly matters, right?

"Alright, well, Viridi and I will take your bedroom if that's alright." Phosphora said, although it was phrased as a question- there was no answer other than "yes" Pit could give. He risked his own ball-sack getting eaten by termites thanks to Mistress Viridi.

"Oh hell yes Phosphora! I'm so excited!" Viridi squealed in glee, grabbing her girlfriend and carrying her up the golden staircase.

"Just please don't ejaculate on my comic books! I had to deal with annoying earth humans for them!" Pit yelled up to the loving Goddesses- yet, the only thing he heard was his lamp falling to the ground and cracking, his bed springs being whipped, and Viridi's incredibly loud moans. Yes, Viridi was in fact a bottom- shocking. Pit sighed "Well, guess I'm going back to earth to get new decor..." Pit whined to himself. He went down the beautiful golden staircase, the walls stained with pictures of Gods, Goddesses and various figures. He continued to walk, looking at each picture. The grace, the craftiness, the beauty in each picture. He went below to the ground floor, and there he saw a large painting. Each stroke, so refined and the features defined on the piece. Pit looked at it up and down, his annoyance with Viridi and Phosphora no longer mattered. Yes, this painting made him remember why he was here. He looked back up the stairs, the increasing moans of the hate-fucking couple filled his ears, as did Palutena's fevered snores. Yes, this is why he remembered. For Her. His Goddess.

With his new found confidence, he went to the kitchen. "I'm going to make you the best damn soup." He said to himself, grabbing his pager (it's 1992 bitches), he knew what to do now.

"Hey Pittoo? You busy?" Asked the innocent angel, his voice quivered with worry, and love.

"Yes. What do you want? And stop calling me that!" The emo bitch yelled across the universe. In the background, Pit could hear his other self shitting himself silly.

"I... I need marijuana" Pit spoke nervously, and laughter bellowed throughout the galaxy at the innocent statement.

"YOU NEED WHAT!?" His emo counterpart bellowed in his laughter, Pit shrugged his head and hung up the pager. He thought maybe drugging Palutena would make her feel better. He sat at the kitchen table, not sure of what to do. His Goddess is ill, his counterpart is a dickweed, and Viridi and Phosphora were literally having sex in his own bedroom. Could today get any worse? Yes, it could. But did it? He could hear footsteps coming down the stairs, Pit braced himself for the worst. The footsteps led down the hall and into the kitchen, he lifted his head slightly- to see who it was. It was Palutena!

"Lady Palutena?" Pit whispered, expecting a slap of some sort. She looked much better than this morning, her face not nearly as pale and her stance less weak. She smiled at Pit.

"You went through so much trouble for me, Pit. How cute!" She hugged his angel, this sent Pit into shock.

"L-Lady Palutena! Are you sure you're feeling alright!?" Pit panicked at his goddess's response.

"Much better, Viridi gave me the medicine you made me! Thank you so much!" Palutena thanked Pit, yet Pit was still confused. WHat medicine had he made her? Oh...

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Well. I'm glad writing this is finally over. I'll try to continue some of my other stories, or post real content soon. So sorry you had to read this, but thank you so much!


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